I had the immense pleasure and pain in caring for my dad who was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. There are so many exhausted joyful memories, I will always be grateful to hold in my heart. I miss him every day.
This interview is beautiful in its efforts to raise awareness of this disease. If you have a few minutes I urge you to read and enjoy.
http://janeandjury.com/raising-awareness/
Skin blazing,
Crawling.
Muscles tightening,
Cramping.
Stomach clenching,
Churning.
Change amiss,
Amiss.
Senses heightening,
Heightening.
Slumber eluding,
Awakening
Weakening
Illuminating
Darkening
Rest for the weary,
Oh, my soul is weary.
Yet, rest shall not appear.
Tonight, rest slumbers elsewhere.
Onward preparations
Are made
For a day of fire,
Burning
In a mind where silence is not found.
Time surpasses the mundane
Tick
Tock
To wild waters
Flowing
Through hands
Desperate
To hold onto
But, unable
To disengage…
*But, to hear their deep breath
Of life
Of peaceful
Sleep,
Another day shall be borne.
And I, though deprived,
Determined
Engage.
I bought this new book a few weeks ago and promptly set it aside…Funny thing, at our last DBSA meeting, the guest speaker spoke of mindfulness meditation helping relieve symptoms of depression. He also told us we have the power to make changes in our own brains using these types of techniques. His practice does allot of work with depression, so I was intrigued how it could work for mania too. Then, I remembered I had bought my book that answers my questions! Thought I’d share with you!
The brain is a powerful and complex terrain…maybe this tool would help someone else. 😌☕📗
I’ll try to go more in depth later, so I’m sorry for the short post.
My BIL posted a very well written, thoughtful, and passionate post regarding responsible gun ownership and right to bear arms. While I agree with most of his case, there were some comments made about being a “sane” person and him being willing to “prove his sanity.” I understand what he was trying to get across. I agree with his statement whole heartedly. However, it opened the flood gates for obsessive ponderings.
What constitutes a person as “sane” and “insane”?
Merriam Webster’s Dictionary says this of “sanity”: the condition of having a healthy mind ; the condition of being sane; the condition of being based on reason or good judgment…and this of “insanity”: severe mental illness ; the condition of being insane; something that is very foolish or unreasonable.
I guess my biggest question resides with the problem of stigma and relativity. There are people without mental disorders who perform great acts of evil every day. They experience a moment of “Insanity” or are just evil. Likewise, there are people with mental disorders who never harm a fly. They practice a lifestyle which could be deemed as “Sane”. I am not ignorant of the fact that there are many crimes committed by mentally unstable (and often undiagnosed and untreated) people.
I guess I find it sad that mentally ill and insane are often used as synonymous. I may suffer from an illness in which I did not ask for. So, does this mean I am insane? It does not. I have a mental illness. I really like how Rick Warren states that mental illness is just that and sometimes we have a “break in reality.” For me this definition “break in reality” is a good description rather than “insanity”; I don’t feel as threatened and it keeps my dignity.
I am grateful to live in this exciting time period when so many good things are happening…people are gaining courage to speak out as advocates in hopes to break the stigmas; family members standing up to help give healthier perspectives; support groups offering positive, non judgemental security for peers to express their struggles and joy.
Just because I have a mental illness doesn’t make me an incompetent or incapable mother. It means I work harder to give my children a good life. It means I dig deeper for strength to go to work another day. It means I don’t take my good days for granted. It means I admit weaknesses and ask for help. It means I see life through a different lens. My biggest dream is to provide a safe, loving, nurturing, healthy home for my children to thrive. I am no different than any other Mama Bear who loves her cubs to the ends of this earth. 💖
Today, I am down. Today, I cannot make it. Today, my sails have no wind. Today, it won.
But, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow, another chance. Tomorrow, a candle in the darkness. Tomorrow, hope.
II get knocked down, but I get up again.
– chumbawumba
I am tired today, so no glamorous post. Just raw and worn. Where I live the heat index has been 100-115 degrees. The heat sucks the life out of you! And since my job is labor intensive both indoors and out, I am a cooked chicken by Friday. Thank goodness for my sweet hubby who is a tremendous help and major Me supporter. I am grateful for you and all you do. Thanks for being my number one supporter. If it weren’t for you darling, I would not be where I am today. Xoxo
I look around me and see failure everywhere. I wander about my house and as I pass through each room all I can see is failure. In the mirror I see failure. I see shame. I see my mother. And I am heartbroken.
Deep hurt penetrates my very soul. I have tried my whole life to not be like her. Except, my reflection is her. I don’t want to repeat her mistakes or deal with the same problems. Though she was never diagnosed (at least, not to my knowledge), the illness fits the bill. I have had so much trouble forgiving her even now, knowing there was, with little question, a disease. It was consuming her life, slowly taking over. If she had not died when she did, it would have gotten much worse. Of course, guilt shames me for not being able to let go, forgive her, and see true woman I loved dearly. And I did love her with the full abandonment of a child. It is the adult version of me that has difficulty forgiving.
And yet, it is this same shame that drives me to work harder, be better, try more, push further than where she left off. My other driving force are the 2 little, sweet faces who deserve a mama that doesn’t quit trying. As much as I hate the fact they have to grow up with a Mental Mommy, I have to accept it, come to grips with this reality. The purpose of my simple, brief, little existence is to create a peaceful, positive life for those small creatures who hold my heart. I may do what I can to advocate for the mental health community, but the reality is, advocating keeps me educated in all the resources so I can keep trying to be a healthier mommy. As exhausting as it is, and no matter how hard it is, I want to keep trying for their sakes. And for mine.
So, my mother’s life, problems, and illness are buried with her body. I will be able to forgive the disease in time. I will be able to see my mother for who she was one day. Her pain, loneliness, sadness as well as her joy, laughter, and love all reside within me. But as my sweet Seester told me, our mother was our mother and I am me. I do not carry her mistakes or failures; they have died with her. I am me and I am one of her success stories, just as my children are mine. And my children are their own person, not their mother. Which is an encouraging thing.
Let me catch you up a bit, my fellow bloggers. It appears I have a very busy life (as most of us do), time flies, and my poor little updates are few and far between. I try to write from the heart which requires a bit of energy that I have been lacking lately. I work (as close to) full time as I can, have 2 small children, a wonderful hubby, and am a Facilitator for our local DBSA chapter. Please, don’t misunderstand…I have dishes in the sink, never ending laundry, toys scattered throughout our house, rooms that need to be vacuumed …I am not wonder woman. My limitations become abundantly clear if I get too close to the edge. I truly live day by day. So, whatever I accomplish that day is a win! If I don’t or unable to do much or anything at all, I try to remind myself this too shall pass, tomorrow is a new day…
When the edge is crossed, it is so very difficult to communicate how I am feeling. Since we are working on communication in our household, I try to describe what it feels like for me when I’m overwhelmed. It goes something like this:
I’m standing in the middle of the vortex of a tornado. Where most people see the hope in there, I see chaos. The shining sun glares on me while I’m trapped within that small space watching everything spin around me. Thoughts, feelings, actions, explanations, processes, seemingly everything circulates so quickly I begin to shut down. I don’t know how to respond, or what to think, as I am completely overtaken and trapped within the confines of the tornado. Most times it is best just to let it run its course and try to hold on.
So, we are slowly learning where my healthy boundaries lie and what happens after the line has been crossed. I started therapy with a new gal this past week whom I really like. I have hope which is what I have been needing. More like an internal hope, personal hope, if this makes any sense what so ever. I guess we shall see what comes of it.
On another note, while I haven’t been particularly forth coming to the world about my illness, I have shared with more and more people who cross my path. Most of them are close friends, but the more honest and open I am with them, the more I share with others that are acquaintances. Surprisingly, I’ve had people open up about themselves whether they have been diagnosed, or they suspect something. Incredible. I never thought that my illness would have a bright spot, but it does! It has opened doors for others to feel safe around me instead of afraid. It has allowed me to walk with compassion and nonjudgement. It taught me there is still so much to learn. And that in the darkest moments, we are a community where kindness and love abide. We reach out to each other with understanding and support. I don’t feel as alone as the illness wants me to believe. I have hope of breaking stigmas one day at a time, one encounter at a time, with love, kindness, compassion, and friendship.
xoxo
Journey of a Mental Mommy 